January 2, 2011
lots and lots and lots of stuff to talk about
Its the 1st of january! happy new year everybody. For me this is going to be a really big change. Obviously im going to singapore and well ontop of that there are so many smaller specific little divisions and seperatiosn and additions happening to my life. Im saying goodbye to my whole second family of my friends, well actually, i already did that today.
i wish i didnt have to worry about you. i mean, i guess i really dont worry about you. im just going to sit here and let my fingers talk for me because apparently as of lately, my brain has been completely incapable of expressing how i actually feel. Infact, im beginning to believe the brain is permanently incapable of doing that. So for now i need spotinaity to retain my humanity.
What i would really like right now is just to be normal. to just really care about clothes and cars and girls and marriage and tv shows and celebrities. But those just don’t satisfy me. They dont even come close. In fact, i can remember being a kid in high school and thinking to my self “god i wish i could not care about cars and clothes and ect” and now, here i am, 3 years later, sitting where i wanted to be, entirely confused.
im not trying to complain or anything but i mean i have been feeling pretty lonely in the companion department these last few months. i mean seriously, im not trying to sound emo, im just trying to like figure out my life right now.
girls are great and everything you know romance and all that. ultimately though, im gonna tangent here really quick, i was watching this ted video where the professor is like very often we judge a situation and we deciede we would be happier if we had a particular object or person in our life, but often this is not true. and like i feel that really applies like, yeah id like to imagine that a girl in my life who is attatched to me and all that would make me a lot happier, but it hasnt yet so, for what reason would i blieve it to in the future.
Is it possible i would be much happier if i just lived my life free of that constant want in the back of my head? is that shit even fucking possible?
because speaking of impossible im seriously jaded by “intellectuals” right now. Im NOT a genius. im a fucking regular guy from oak harbor and i SWEAR every philosophy book i have pickd up in the last 6th months has been CRAP. like not just like a bad book but the guy writing it is just like… here is my idea, an idea that only needs you know, 20 minutes max, to get the poitn across. But im gonna write a 300 page book, complete with WAY to many examples, and WAY too many 17 syllable words. These guys…i seriously just want to hit them. I think its time i made the switch to fiction. or just give up reading entirely.
actually, scratch that, im reading a bertrand russell book right now called “on idleness” and its awesome. It sort of reminds me of erich Fromm. These books where the author adresses society as a whole, as well as like the entirety of the human condition seem to appeal to me way way way more than these very precise and scientific oxford press published piles of garbage they call academic literature.
i was sort of getting a little bit scared like, if philosophy lets me down, where do i turn for knowledge next? but then i rememberd that russell book. But that thought leads me down this passage that makes me think, maybe i need to stop turning to places for knowledge? I dont even know what that means really. Its extremely vague and sort of useless i know but, philosophy is cool and all but, its soo wiffy waffy. I want to be happy. i want to be wise. i want to be prolific. a leader. someone people look at and they know that i love them from the very core of my soul. i want to be patienct. i dont know really i just want mastery over life. love happyness all that good stuff. And so far, philosophy and mental mastery seem like the asnwer to that question.
so there it is folks my new years resolution. its the same new years resolution ive had for the last two years, and its going to be the same new years resolution i have for the next thirty to fifty something years i live.
here is a brief shitty outline of what they might look like
- always remember that love is the absolute unconditional form of value. it is the most important thing in life and it is life in every second of every moment.
(that last one is really the big one)
…
(but i just want to add)
- to go to singapore with an open heart and open mind. Find something great there for myself. Grow spiritually, physically, intellectually.
